Something rather controversial came out of my mouth in a recent podcast interview, and I stand by it: I believe at the root of the vast majority of chronic illness is relationship stress.

In fact, this belief is what had me pivot from being a full time medical professional to studying intimacy and relationships and offering coaching and relational healing work now.

My patients who were in stressful or disconnected partnerships, the ones without close friends or family support, the ones who had been single far longer than they wanted to be, they struggled the most. They made the slowest progress with physical healing.

I felt limited in offering mostly physiological interventions, when it was clear their healing required deeper nervous system work–especially in the context of their intimate relationships.

When we don’t feel relaxed, supported, open and safe in our relationships, our nervous system operates in a continuous state of dysregulation.

“The greatest source of stress in human life is emotional disconnection.” -Gabor Maté, MD

Chronic stress from insecure attachment or conflict-filled relationships weakens immune function, raises cortisol, and increases inflammation markers, factors linked to almost every chronic condition.

An 80-year Harvard study found that the quality of people’s close relationships was the strongest predictor of both happiness and health. More so than cholesterol levels, wealth, or even diet.

The tricky thing is, many of us don’t even realize we’re carrying chronic anxiety around intimacy.

We chalk it up to being “just an anxious person,” or blame it on work stress, or we simply don’t know any different, because we’ve never experienced true safety in connection.

It just feels normal.

But if your body doesn’t soften around someone, that’s a sign your nervous system is in threat-response mode.

And while it’s easy to assume the other person is causing that, relying on finding “safe” people often leaves us isolated and disappointed.

Because here’s the truth, your nervous system’s response to intimacy was programmed in early childhood–and it will keep repeating that pattern, no matter how safe or loving the other person is, until you do the work to rewire it.

Perhaps this explains a bit more about why I’m so passionate about doing the inner work to shift our relationship programming and beliefs around intimacy, so we can all feel safer in love and more connected.

Same mission as always (you living your best f*cking life), different strategy these days.

And honestly, this is far more cost effective than weekly acupuncture, functional medicine consults, 50 supplements, etc.

This is what I teach inside Becoming the Muse,

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