One of my biggest regrets of my longest relationship to date is that I didn’t give more blowjobs.

Weird thing to say, I know.

But hear me out.

I was deeply in love with this man for a decade and we had an amazing sexual connection. It was my relationship with him throughout my 20s and early 30s that taught me that sex could be fun, deep, easy, magical even.

His adoration for my body helped me learn to love it too, and I healed so much sexual shame, body dysmorphia, and self-loathing through his shameless worship of my sexual body and spirit.

It was truly a gift to feel desired 24/7 by this man, but without any pressure.

This is what inspires me most about romantic partnership: the opportunity we have to offer each other healing experiences through our love.

And not once, that I can recall, did I treat his body like it was sacred.

Not once, did I approach sex with him with the intention to worship and adore his body.

It never even occurred to me to sit him down and offer him an opportunity to just receive.

Don’t get me wrong, I was complimentary, I expressed my desire, and I loved him, but that’s not the same thing.

I felt a wave of grief when I realized this.

Grief at the missed opportunity to love this man in a way only I could have.

Grief that I wasn’t more generous.

Grief at how much I had sexually objectified him for MY pleasure, without thinking about him as worthy of receiving the way I did.

In fact, I remember thinking throughout our relationship that he was so lucky that I had such a high sex drive, that I was so fun and spontaneous. Who cares about blowjobs? Why just give when we could do something that we both enjoyed? I felt liberated that I didn’t have to perform in our relationship.

And at 32, upon realizing I gave a total of maybe 5 blowjobs in 8 years, I still had no idea that I could actually feel turned on and satisfied by a blowjob, too. They were still sacrifices in my mind— a performative chore.

The grief rose up in tandem with an awareness of all the ways I didn’t respect him, kept my heart guarded, my softness hidden, and my vulnerability well out of reach.

Cock worship won’t happen in a relationship where you’re always in alpha-mode with your partner, where you’re habitually disrespecting him, in a power struggle, or too focused on your own needs.

In this way, your aversion to offering worship energy to your partner usually reveals a deeper issue.

Porn culture and patriarchy and second wave feminism have all created distortions in how we perceive the male penis, male sexual pleasure, and our role as women in it.

We’ve been taught that we are perpetual victims to men. Victims don’t worship their oppressors. They win by making their oppressors worship them.

It’s actually controversial to suggest that a loving fellatio session could be deeply healing for your partner.

It’s controversial to point out that men too struggle with sexual shame, unworthiness, insecurity, body dysmorphia, and self-loathing, and that your sexual generosity is one way you can show up to love him.

It’s controversial to be a woman who is genuinely turned on by having a penis in her mouth; no part of you pretending to like it.

I would love to introduce you to the ways you can bring healing, deeper intimacy, and your own pleasure into oral sex with your man, whether you currently love blowjobs or hate them.

Because I want a world full of empowered lovers,

-C