I distinctly remember being on a hike with a new friend back in 2019, spinning about a situationship with a guy who clearly wasn’t very into me. She asked me plainly, “what are you looking for in a partner? What are your non-negotiables?”. I stumbled over my words, and realized, with embarrassment, that I didn’t know.

The number of women who have no idea what they really desire relationally (and sexually), breaks my heart. Not because you should have it all figured out, but because this lack of clarity makes dating and the work of long-term partnership a significantly more painful endeavor. 

Oftentimes, “not knowing” is really just a strategy for keeping all your options open. Having non-negotiables asks that you say no to potential partners to stay in integrity. It requires some self-esteem. 

And the lack of clarity around sexual desires… this is not just something women in their 20s struggle with. Women in their 50s confess to me they’ve been performing sexually for their husbands for decades.

I see the same root pattern: not centering yourself in the relational dynamic. You aren’t connecting to your own feelings, desires, and needs because you’re so busy tracking his. Your attention is overly outwardly-oriented.

It’s never too late to pause and do the inner reflecting to get clear on your desires.

It’s never too late to decide you simply will not perform anymore.  

It’s never too late to discover what you really like, beyond the conditioning of what movies and over-culture have told you you’re supposed to like.

Do you even want long-term life partnership and everything that entails or have you just been trained to believe that’s what you should pursue because that is the best shot at feeling safe and loved?

Are you actually fulfilled being single and focused on your work or are you trying to avoid having your heart broken again?

We resist getting clear.

The common fear is that you’ll uncover that you have so many non-negotiables, or desires, or needs that no one will be a match.

Or you’ll discover your current partner doesn’t meet your non-negotiables and then what?! Then you get to see if you can grow together into more true intimacy.

You avoid discovering what YOU like sexually because the fear is that maybe you don’t even like sex or don’t ever want it. Or that no one else will want it the way you want it. That is rarely the case.

But it does take courage to admit what you know,

to put a stake in the ground for what you most want,

to believe you can have it,

and to learn how to become an invitation for it. 

I teach this path and process in loving detail inside Becoming the Muse.