I haven’t shared this part of my life so explicitly in public before.
Some of you won’t get it and some of you may roll your eyes. That’s okay.
I’m sharing because I wish someone had helped me understand this years ago, before I spent so much time inadvertently harming myself.

1. Not everyone is equipped to hold me

If I’m receiving healing care or in a space held by another human, whether it’s a therapist, bodyworker, or someone leading a moon circle, and they are not more connected to a depth of consciousness and vitality than I am, then the healing transmission happening is actually from me to them, regardless of who is officially in the role of provider and receiver.

This created years of confusion and frustration for me. I would leave healing sessions and group spaces feeling extracted from or depleted because I wasn’t aware of what was happening and I wasn’t protecting my energy properly.

This is true for everyone, in my opinion. To be receiving healing energy from another person or space, you need a nervous system that is more parasympathetic dominant than yours, and someone who has more depth or vitality than your system. Or, you need a space where you are not opening to a specific person but accessing your own healing capacity without their personal energetic interference.

I am now very, very discerning about who I let facilitate for me or work on my body, and I go into group spaces with better boundaries.

2. The same goes for sex

The way my body and system open sexually is not typical, all the walls and guards come down and I will take on all kinds of things from partners that are not mine.

For a long time I did not understand this. I thought something was wrong with me, or that what I was feeling afterward was just emotional confusion, attachment, or projection. Sometimes maybe, but not always.

I am now very, very discerning about who I let into my body and what energetic hygiene I practice before and afterward.

3. Sharing a bed is not neutral for me

If I sleep in a bed with anyone, I have a tendency to dream about them and “for” them. I will process emotional content from their lives they have never shared with me. Apparently this is a thing if you’re a projector in the Human Design system. Who knows?

4. Because I’m so permeable, I can easily take on what is not mine to heal

If I’m not careful, I will take on karmic content from clients, friends, and especially lovers.

At its worst, this looked like picking up a very dark entity from an ex. I would never have believed this was happening, or even that this was a real thing, except for the series of events that went down. I had a depressive episode unlike anything I’d ever experienced where I felt totally possessed by some heavy darkness that had no personal content to it. The sparkle in my eyes was gone. And after months of feeling borderline suicidal, I returned back to myself within two hours after an esoteric acupuncture session meant to clear demonic possession. My eyes looked completely different after the session.

I know how this sounds.

I never believed in any of this shit until I lived it.

My stomach will turn and I get a very particular sensation of nausea when I encounter certain people in the world– this has happened to me since childhood. It doesn’t happen often, but it could be a stranger in an airport 10 feet away, or someone I walk past in a restaurant. It’s like an alarm system for a certain degree of darkness I am not equipped to handle.

I also sometimes experience spontaneous coughing/choking fits when I’m with clients or friends who are holding back/suppressing a big emotional response. Some unowned part of their story, repressed memory, or deep incongruence in what they’re saying vs how they’re feeling will express through me as a literal gasping for air. Often, as I’m chugging water with tears streaming down my face trying to relax my spasming throat muscles, they’ll reveal the underlying emotion and my entire somatic response resolves.

5. More is not always More. 

I love intensity. For much of my life, more-is-more was part of my identity. I am both highly sensitive (HSP) and high sensation-seeking (HSS).

Being an HSP and an HSS can be tricky because two seemingly paradoxical things are true at once: you are super sensitive, and you also love sensation, novelty, and intensity.

That created a lot of confusion for me about what I actually needed and how to care for myself well.

The key for me has been sequencing:

• tend to the HSP needs first
• then ramp up the sensation, novelty, or intensity
• then make time and space for quiet, stillness, integration, and recovery

Trust that all the intensity, sensation, and novelty you could ever want is actually available through the subtle.

One last thing

I also used to think that people saying they were HSPs were just traumatized empaths latching onto a label.

Turns out it is a legitimate genetic temperament trait found in a minority of both humans and animal species.

If this helps even one of you understand yourself a little more, it was worth the share.

If you want to explore whether you’re an HSP or an HSS, you can take both free quizzes on my homepage. Just scroll down midway.